It's Just Life

I was always taught that life is what you make of it. You evolve into what you are from each choice you make.  We all make good choices and bad choices in our lives and have to deal with the outcome.  Sometimes it is hard and we have to fight to keep ourselves above water and sometimes we can float by without a care in the world. I  alway strive to be a positive person. When the difficult times in life hit you like a brick it can be hard to keep a positive outlook on life. Sometimes you think you made the right choice and it ends up punching you right and the face and knocking you down and it is hard to get back up. No one ever said life would be easy. I have had many struggles in my life. They have been difficult and slow to recover from, but every single one of them have made me more aware of myself. Because of these trials I am stronger physically and emotionally. My struggles have brought me to a place where I know who I am and what I believe and what I am capable of.  I know that I can love someone even when it hurts. I know that with determination I can fight the battles of life and come up an overcomer and have victory in every battle. I know that faith is the key to being an overcomer, without faith I am nothing. When I am down I choose to stand on the promises that have been given to me from my heavenly father and continue in the fight. He promises victory at the end of my life even if I don't feel victorious in my life. He promises that He will work all things together for my good. He tells me to trust in Him and he will take me through the storms of life even when I don't understand and don't think life is fair. He gives me blessings of His sweet piece and strength for tomorrow.  He shows me mercy when I make the wrong choices and helps me through the struggle that I caused myself. He tells me to fight the good fight! He tells me to keep my eyes on him so I do not sink into the deep abis. He promises to keep me! He is my rock, my footrace, my strength, my deliverer, my savior. I can do nothing with out him! He loves me unconditionally, through every situation and every storm. With every choice I make He draws me closer to Him.  All He asks from me is my love and to show His love to others. It is difficult to show His love to others sometimes. When life is unfair and people with ugly, cold, and selfish hearts try to destroy your joy. It is difficult to remember that I am supposed to be an overcomer and love them through their struggles just as Christ loves me through mine. Unconditional love is not easy, but I am supposed to do it anyway. Unconditional love is given to me when my heart isn't pretty and I am supposed to love others when their hearts aren't pretty either. What is unconditional love? It is, I love you no matter what you do to me or say to me to hurt me. I love you no matter what you throw at me! I love you no matter what, to the end!

Blog Reflection

The blogging experience has been challenging and educational and liberating.  It was difficult for me at first because I do not have many computer skills and had a hard time posting and responding on the blog site.  The blog experience opened my mind to writing down my thoughts and not being afraid to let others read my writing. I learned that writing, no matter how elementary in context, can be interesting for the reader.  The free writing was a learning challenge that taught met hat my writing doesn't have to be perfect, it is more important to be able to write. Once everything is in text in front of you is when you make the changes to make the piece better. . The blog helped me be more comfortable with the writing process. It helped me be able to have more freedom and less fear when writing my essays. Reading over my blog post and applying the class reading made me aware of the challenges I face as a writer. It allowed me the chance to evaluate my writing and see if I was making progress.  Being open and sharing myself in writing and not knowing who was going to read it was a liberating experience for me.  I enjoyed reading the other blog posts and see what others had to say and how they were progressing with their writing. It was neat to see all of the different writing styles and the topics that people chose to write about in their blog.  I have purchased new notebooks so I can continue writing. The knowledge and confidence I gained is irreplaceable.  I am now hooked on writing and can't wait to continue and see how my writing progresses.

Physical Complications

I have struggled with a physical complication called vaigal syncope with autonomic neuropothy sense I was 15 years of age. This condition occurs in the vagal nerve function and causes all kinds of havoc on your body. Vagal syncopy happens when the vagal nerve does not send the messages from the brain to the heart and visa versa.  This problem causes dizziness and fainting, upon standing to quickly, in most people.The fainting is causes by a sudden drop in blood pressure because the communication between the brain and the heart did not happen as fast as it should have. In my situation the doctors tell me I have one of the worst cases they have ever seen, to the point it causes my circulation to slow down effecting my other body systems.  A normal blood pressure for a healthy adult is around 120/80 and a pulse of 60 to 80. My blood pressure on a good day runs 80/50 and my pulse stays between 45 and 60.  I have been in the hospital for weeks at a time trying to figure out what was going on. It took my doctors 20 years and many trips to the St.Louis research hospital to figure me out. In the mean time I went through my sophomore year of high school with a roller walker to keep my balance and spend 3 months in and out of the hospitals and doctors office running tests and drawing blood. When I turned twenty I got to start wearing 80 pound, thigh high, compression stalking year around.  I was blessed with two beautiful daughters before my doctors told me I was going to loose my leg if I had another child.  I have lived through years of pain in my legs due to the poor circulation and neropothyand 8 surguries on differant organs of my body due to lack of blood flow. My feet are cold and blue and often have no feeling.  I have had three vascular surgeries on my right leg. In 2001 after my third surgery I was forced to quit my job and go through extensive rehabilitation so I could keep my leg.  It took me four years to get myself fit enough to stand on my leg for long enough to hold down a full time job.  In 2001 I was flat on my back with legs elevated most of the day.  Rehabilitation started with 10 minutes a day on a recumbent bike because my circulation was so pour I could not do anything with impact or anything with my legs straight below my heart because my heart didn't receive the signal that my brain needed blood. All of my blood would pool in my feet and I would loose oxygen levels to my brain.  I slowly rehabilitated from a bike to an elliptical to body weight exercise, to weight lifting and 3 miles on the tread mill.  They tell me that weight lifting and my stubborn nature saved my leg.  They told me that the weight training would be worth it if I could push through the pain.  I did it every day.  The building of muscle around the vein wall helps support the blood flow just like the compression stalkings do.  It is amazing what the body can do,  I got to keep my leg but still struggled with the symptoms.  I went back to work in 2005 with a full release from my doctors only to find myself back in the hospitals two years later with stroke symptoms.  My days were filled with headaches, blurred vision, slurred speech, slow thought processes, memory lose and no feeling, cold, blue hands and feet.  I struggled with these spells for 3 more years filled with ambulance rides and electric paddles shocking me back to life as the flew me away in the helicopter.  The doctors did every test imaginable and finally after 20 years of struggle a new doctor form the neurology department at the St. Louis research hospital diagnosed me after an angiogram of my heart and brain.  He told me I was going to be fine. He prescribed a little 20 mg pill every 4 hours while I was awake to help my nervous system talk to my circulatory system and get the blood I need from my aching feet to my starving brain.  I have been taking the little miracle pill for six months now with no episodes of fainting or lethargy of any kind.  I am so thankful for the little pill and the awesome doctor that knew what to do. I take my pills, eat healthy, and exercise regularly to keep my body and mind in good health. The doctor, the medication and my diligence has allowed me to excel in my work, to have fun with my family, to go back to school, and to learn jiu jitsu as part of my fitness routine, 

Three Wishes!

I was ask if I could have three wishes granted what would they be and why?

My first wish would be that everyone would get alone.  I hate war and turmoil!  There are many situations that require action to be taken to make them right but, if we would all have a little compassion and peace in our heart we could deal with one another without all of the dissension.  I know there is no such thing as total peace in the would or in our relationships. I fell that if everyone would just try to get along with one another and think of how they would want to be treated when they act that we would all be more content.

I wish that I could be myself!   I feel so stifled in my life.  I want to be able to laugh and sing and dance and hug someone and joke around and be crazy without people around me making me feel bad about it.  I want to be able to be the free spirit that is inside me and not have to worry about what anyone else thinks about me.  I have so many caution lights going off everytime I try to be me that I can't mave.  IT seems that everytime that I step out from under the thumb that holds me down and I be myself I get repremanded and told that I am stupid and need to stop.  I don't think that there is anything wrong with being what I was created to be and having good clean fun.

My third wish would be for health.  I have had many health issues in my life that has slowed the progress of reaching my goals in life.  I would like to have a stong healthy body and not have to be concerned with sickness of decease so that I can live my life and reach my goals and be productive in the things that I choose to do with my life.

I think that if we are stong in mind, body, and spirit that we can accomplish anything!  With those accomplishments come the wealth and health and all of the other things that we desire in life.  I want a victorious life! A life that is successful and full. 

Music Freewrite

I don't know what my life would be like without music. Music has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.  I can hear my Grandma singing Say, Say oh Playmate and case era sayra. She always rocked and sang and rubbed my ear. Papa would turn on the record player. I have the record player to this day.  It is one of the old hutch players that sits on the floor and has a record player and 8 track and a radio in it.  Papa would turn on his favorite counrty music and he would put me on his feet and I would hold on to his metal hooks he had for hands and we would dance all around the living room.  Everytime I traveled anywhere with my dad, if it was 2 miles or 800, we would sing the old hymns that I learned from church.  My grandad would play his bango and sing to me everytime I went to his house.  I sat and sang on the front porch swing with Mama.  My boss always asks what I am singing to myself when I walk down the hall at work.  I started singing in the church when I was 2 years old.  I am still singing today.  I love all music, from the hymns of Fanny B. Crosby to Johnny Cash to AC/DC.  I love it all!  I am a true believer in music can set the mood.  I have over 120 gig of music on my ipod all in catigories of mood.  I have music playing all the time.  I enjoy even just listening to the radio to see what is new.  The first thing that my mind goes to in a movie is the music.  I have music for my workouts, music to calm me, music for fun, music to energize me, just to name a few.  I have never been to a concert.  I would love to go to one sometime and get the full experience of a great band.  I would never be able to pick who I wanted to hear.  I always have music with me.  When the radio won't come in and the Ipod is dead I have music in my heart. 

What I know

Growing up my dad always told me that I have to live by what I know, then he proceeded to tell me what it was that I could know. There are things in life that are constant and we can know.
I know that the bible is truth.
I know that yesterday is gone and I can not change it.
I know that today is where I have to live.
I know that tomorrow isn't promised.
I know that I am saved by the blood of Christ.
I know that I am more than a conceror.
I know that peace comes from my faith in Christ.
I know that Christ died so I can live in liberty.
I know that I am free.
I know that the spirit tat raised Christ from the dead dwells in me.
I know that I am forgiven.
I know that trials will come.
I know that through Christ trials are victorious.
I know that he works all things together for good for those that love him.
I know that He that has began a work in me will finish it in His way and in His time.
I know that nothing can seperate me from the love of Christ.
I know that my name is written in the palm of His hand.
I know that faith is eternal.
I know that he gives rest for the weiry.
I know that He gives strength to the weak.
I know that in Him I can do all things in His strength.
I know that it is by the faith that He has given me that I can be victorious though the grace that He has given me.
I know that He is everything. The first and the last.
I know that Christ loves me.
I know that I am supposed to love as Christ loves me.
My faith in knowing that God is soverin is the one thing in my life that is constant and does not chance. My faith drives me each new day to be the best I can be that dayWhen He looks at me He sees the blood of Christ and all of its goodness. The mistakes that I make in my fresh are for me to grow to trust Him more each day and to lean on Him and walk in His will for my life. 

What do I feel from Mama's Frony Porch Swing?

I feel the breeze blowing.
I feel the wooden slats againest my back.
I feel the seems of the old quilt on the back of my legs.
I feel the rough concrete porch under my feet.
I feel my mama's hand holding my hand.
I feel to cool glass of tea in my hand and the sweat running down the glass.
I feel peace and contentment as we sing the old church hymns.
I feel nostalgic as I look over the front yard and think of all the activities of the past.
I feel relaxed when I sit and take in all the things around me from Mama's front porch swing.
I feel the soft fur of the kittens.